A New Chapter.

As a New Year’s resolution, and a habit, I always promise myself I’ll write more. I think I have a tough time motivating mostly because I’m not sure what to write about. It’s not that I don’t have interests or opinions, but when something is truly a blank slate, endless possibilities seem stifling, crippling. Much like trying to decide what to do with my life, pigeon holing myself to one title out of billions feels like putting on a straight jacket. There are so many exciting things to be and do and think, I don’t want just one. I want many. I feel like Veruka Salt. “I want the Golden Goose NOW, daddy !” I am of course very cognizant of the fact that if I were worried about paying my heating bill or how to lower my grocery bill I wouldn’t have the luxury of dodging titles. If putting food on the table meant being a grocery clerk, or a bank teller, or a bus driver, or even if it meant more inspirational careers like being a teacher, or in PR or a lawyer, I wouldn’t be dreaming of ways to be creatively fulfilled, at least not on a professional level. But as I’ve talked about many times, it took me a while after ending Dakota Martin to even begin to fathom where I would go or what I would do. And as most of you know, I have chosen a path that leads me to a title. This still has me breathing into a paper bag sometimes. Still, I recognize that if I don’t take stabs at things, I’ll be sitting here, treading water, while all my contemporaries swim graceful and powerful laps past me. Something I don’t want, not out of competition, but rather out of a vain desire to leave a mark in the world and a selfish desire to feel fulfilled. Something I don't want because I want my life to be purposeful, my work to be impeccable, and my job suited only for me.

So as 2011 begins I believe this space might look more like a journal (sometimes), out a conscious effort to write, and not simply post. The first time I blogged for Dakota Martin it made me nervous sharing my words with the universe, even if said universe was 4 or 5 readers. But with Shannon and Liz encouraging me I wrote. And what seemed scary became fun (like so many daunting prospects), and now many years later I haven’t stopped. Of course my readership hasn’t changed much. But that’s okay with me. As this particular blog, it is as much an exercise for me as anyone else. And now, in 2011, it’s one that needs to be refocused a bit, and perhaps become a little scary again—a little more real. As I sit back and wait to hear from schools I’ve been lining up many projects for myself, both physical and creative.

I hope everyone had a great New Years—I was in bed by 10:30, but only after an amazing dinner with my sisters and father, made by a kind Dutch woman who took it upon herself to very carefully craft everything just for me gluten free, every bit as delicious and nourishing as everyone else, and watching the little girl above dance for everyone staying in the hotel. She was proud with her head held high, smiling for pictures and swishing her skirt to the beat of the music, with the confidence of youth. It was perfect for me, and I hope yours was perfect for you.